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This is my corner... If you're looking for trouble, please leave me alone...
What is the change? What happened that made me feel this way? Am I mad?
Well, to the last question, most certainly not... I hope.
Maybe it's nothing really big, maybe it's just another phase in my life journey.
Perhaps this is going to help with how I deal with the next few years of my life positively or perhaps this change is going to make me hit rock bottom. heh.
Let me think... What did I do since the beginning of holidays?
Hmm, I got addicted to watching running man and thereafter addicted to secret garden.
Both which I havent finish watching yet.
I know that before the holidays started, I already dislike the thought of studying...
But somehow, I found myself reaching a point of total lack of discipline.
Regardless of how much I dislike studying, I would always end up finishing my tutorials and revising for tests but never have I felt so negative about studies.
I've gained so much admiration for the actors and actresses I watch on running man and secret garden.
For running man, it's just pure enjoyment for the thought that this group of friends gather on every monday to have fun together amidst their hectic schedules. They are so capable of balancing their workload! It appears to me like they are enjoying life.
When watching secret garden, I cant help but constantly become awed and impressed by hyun bin's acting. I thought, this man acts for a living and i'm sure he loves acting. Through his acting, I feel his passion for his job. I feel so glad he is doing something he likes!
I am so envious and full of admiration for people who are living their lives, doing best at what they have passion for.
I want to be like them.
That's why I end up comparing my life with theirs, making myself feel so bitter.
I ain't doing something I like at this stage of my life and i dont think I am fully enjoying what I like doing.
I like playing Tchoukball... But I feel like I am being held back by studies... And another thing, I'm not good at tchoukball.
We should have a goal to work towards to, that's what many people always tell me.
When you know the end, you'll head straight towards it, unwavered.
Problem is, I can't find a reason for myself as to why I should study so hard for Alevels... GAH...
When teachers ask, I hear many classmates around me exclaiming happily that they want to be doctors etc.
But for me, I've never really envisioned myself with a steadfast and firm decision of being anyone.
It seems to me like I am tired of studying, tired by the thought, tired by the fact that I am studying so that I can study more in the future to go university, tired that I need to study cause I am a student.
I remember when I was in Primary school, I loved maths to an extent that I wanted so badly to know as many formulas as possible and solve EVERY single question to get 100 marks which seemed so possible to achieve. Learning was tiring but not dreadful...
But deep down, I know all those that I claim I admire did not get to where they are today without hardwork.
They too, went through loads of studies. Well, most of them, I guess.
The cruel fact is, this harsh period of time is unavoidable. Everyone has to go through it.
What can I do? Perhaps I don't need a reason to study. I just have to.
It is theoretically right to study when I think about meritocracy in Singapore.
But well technically, I don't want to be a doctor, a minister or even the president so I don't really need to have those requirements...
I'm sure I'll look stupid if I ever graduate from university or get a doctorate but deciding to become a waitress, a hawker or simply just anything below what is expected.
Haha, I know I ain't that good at expressing myself at all. And everything I've mentioned above may seem so confusing and crazy. But that's all I'm feeling in my heart... So troubled that I need to write it out for myself to see.
Alright, so what do I plan to do after all this madness?
I suppose that my dreams and my aspirations will sooner or later pop in my head.
Maybe I would still want to pursue being a psychologist, maybe I would want to be a lawyer...
who knows... the future is so unpredictable. I should just study now and get that opportunity before I consider right?
I. dont. know.
I think in the future when I read this post that I compose with so much confusion within myself, I might find it unnecessary or foolish. But hey future me, i didn't expect myself to be like this. HAHA...
I think I end up talking aload to myself nowadays...
Labels: frowns everyday...
Just a random, average short girl who believes that life is a disaster in disguise as a blessing... Worrying has become a habit but anime will always remain engraved in my mind. =] Currently addicted to spacing out... And... Sleep is prioritised as number 1! People know me as Winnie. And I have roamed the Earth for 15 years. It all began on 14th September 1995...
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