Reminiscing those days...
Bienvenue
Layout: Everything I ask for
Best viewed: Mozilla Firefox
Screen: 1280X800
This is my corner... If you're looking for trouble, please leave me alone...
Ambiguous relationships and fears
Everyone has a different method of keeping themselves in check to know if they are mentally, emotionally, physically or even spiritually well. Since a long time back, I developed the habit of talking to myself as a form of reflective behaviour. This habit of mine is obviously only carried out when I'm alone because I need the quietness and privacy to think out loud.
Most of the time, I do it because I have too much on my mind and my head gets really crowded with thoughts. During those moments, it becomes really difficult to concentrate on the tasks I have on hand and even when I'm studying, the troubles on my mind invade my thinking space and my mind drifts off.
I wouldn't deny that I am a person with a considerably short attention span. Although I know that I have assignments to complete and chapters to study, I cannot help but fiddle with my phone repeatedly throughout the study session. Despite the fact that I stay at my study area for long hours, I probably wouldn't really complete much. For example, I can take up to 3 days with each day spending 3 hours in order to complete an essay assignment.
Originally, I would use my regular attendance at tchoukball practices as an excuse to procrastinate. But now that the major competition for my team's over, I've lost that excuse and somehow became more determined than ever to do well for my academics. But of course, the great determination has met with much struggles because I dislike studying so much.
While talking to myself recently, I realised a correction for one of the thoughts I had quite some time back and I felt that I wanted to write it out to have a better sense of clarity. So here I am, sharing with you more of what goes through in my mind.
On a particular day, I was reflecting on the topic of love. (Probably inspired by korean drama or PDA on the streets) Why do people think that love is complicated? Do I think that it is? After a while, I convinced myself that love is, actually, simple. I would decide to get together with another person for the simple fact that he likes me and I like him back. As long as the liking is mutual, there's no harm in starting a relationship and trying to make it work out.
However, recently, I feel that the point is valid but it isn't that simple after all because the degree of liking matters. If you only like the person a little bit a.k.a. interested in him/her, then you probably shouldn't be so hasty to get into a relationship. On the other hand, if you like the person so much that you're willing to accept every part of him/her and do everything in your ability to make him/her happy then, you can consider getting into one. But even so, the divide between the degrees of liking can be really subjective and ambiguous. How do we know if we really really really like a person? Are we just liking him/her because of companionship (ie just because the person happened to be around to show concern and care) ? Do we like the person for who he/she is (ie their personality, voice, body) ?
Questions like these are difficult to answer because when we like someone, we can't differentiate what kind of liking we have towards the person; we just like the person. Between close friends, we can sometimes easily confirm with ourselves who are the ones we would never get into a relationship with. But it's those ambiguous ones that we have problems with because we can imagine the possibility of being together with that person.
Personally, I feel quite worried because ever since my first relationship ended, I realised that I don't feel the same level of excitement, nervousness, butterflies anymore. Could it be that I became more protective of my feelings or was it simply because I haven't met the right person yet? Then I start to wonder if the problem wasn't with who I get together with but rather, in myself. Are my expectations too high? (influenced by drama and movies) What kind of relationship am I exactly looking for? When will I experience the fluttery feelings of being in love again?
I feel that I'm a person who wants to be affectionate with someone I really care about but I am really worried that my relationship will end up the same way like the ones that ended. This inner conflict makes me think that love is quite complicated after all. I wish I could erase my memories and start all over with love yet at the same time, I am who I am today because of my past experiences. People might like the way I am now but if any part of me changes, then people might not like the different me.
One thing that I know for sure is that life is too short to endure through anything that makes us sad for a long time.
For now, let's continue to do the things we enjoy and live life happily, without regrets!
Labels: Smilez and frowns everyday..
On Saturday, October 3, 2015 at 3:49 PM
Wasabi, age and a bunch of thoughts.
:( <-- after="" auto-saved="" current="" elaborate="" emotion="" i="" is="" my="" not="" out="" post="" realising="" that="" the="" this="" typed="" was="">omg, what's with ^??? what i meant to write was "my current emotion after realising how the elaborate post I typed yesterday evening was not auto-saved through my phone". It prolly is some cheem IT thing that I ended up activating cause I have no idea how to use my <, >, - etc.
Alright, so around 5pm yesterday evening, I was on a bus to Yishun and I suddenly felt like sharing some of my random thoughts again since there wasn't much to do on the bus. I can't replicate completely what I typed out, but I'm going to try my best.
It all started out from thinking about the wasabi in the sushi that I was going to eat or had for dinner. Most Japanese have a long lifespan probably due to their diet and lifestyle. I have heard of how some Japanese are capable of living to an age of 100years old!
Deep down in my heart, I really admire people who live a good old number of years on Earth. I don't think it is as easy as it seems to survive and maintain a healthy body and mindset when we grow old.
In the many years that elderly people have spent on earth, they must have witnessed countless deaths. The deceased can be their relatives, family, close friends or even neighbours! I feel that these elderly people must have either a crazy mental power to stay strong or too used to losing loved ones that they have become numb. Do they feel lonely? Some of them might still have children and grandchildren to support them but what about those who don't? This is also why many a times, we end up seeing news of elderly dying alone in their small apartments or even some of them having to end up on the streets cause they are too poor to afford a home. But, this is not the point. I feel that when every person we cherish dearly passes away, it causes a large amount of damage to our mental and emotional stability. This great deal of stress to our minds and hearts take aload of time to be dispelled and the time may depend on how close we were to the deceased. The people who live for a long period of time naturally witness more deaths than others and they are amazing people, in my opinion, who can withstand the continual turmoil throughout life when people around them enter eternal sleep one after another.
In addition, as a human being living on this Earth, we have to learn to accept and adapt to everything around us regardless of the nature. Along the way, we would have already been exposed to several incidents which have made us stop to think something along the line of "wow, life is so beautiful" but life is also capable of throwing at us the ugly side of humanity hidden as obstacles we have to overcome. Growing old means being able to see both the good and the bad scenes because we simply cannot choose. When the environment around you becomes so pessimistic, it is natural to want to escape from it. For example, a person who has lived through World War II would probably have experienced being tortured, seeing for himself how other comrades were killed and the seemingly endless days of such miserable life. All around you many innocent lives were lost, so much violence and bloodshed would have frightened and traumatised a person so greatly. However, the elderly who live on till old age are still holding on and they are definitely vastly different in terms of mental strength from those who hastily commit suicide. This makes me feel even more inspired by these elderly people.
I also feel that being an elderly is great because you get to observe how science and technology advance throughout your life. You would get to laugh at how probably 70 years ago people of your time were struggling with communicating with people from overseas and at the same time, reminisce about the technology you used in the past which youngsters these days would not appreciate.
This is really how I feel when in my time, we used to play with gameboys and now children in this age are playing with iPads and they have no idea gameboys existed. I watched this Youtube video about the reactions of kids to gameboy and I was like "HEY, that's from my time and it was really fun!"
Maybe as an elderly you would exclaim happily "Yeah! They have finally created ___ after so many bloody years!"
I wonder if I could be like them. Will I be optimistic and strong enough to live to a super old age? Will I get the chance to proudly tell my grandchildren / great grandchildren / young kids in the future about the experiences I've had when I was younger (like now) ?
I wonder what fate has in store for me.
_____
Anyway, dinner was good though I really thought we were going to eat loads of sushi.. :)
I'm craving for sushi all of a sudden... again.
I'M HUNGRY! :O
Will I ever be strong enough?
Labels: Smilez and frowns everyday..
On Saturday, July 19, 2014 at 11:59 AM
Randomly wanting to share a part of what goes through my brain sometimes
Woke up pretty early today around 7:30am feeling refreshed and awake unlike the past few days. Waking up in the morning and waking up in the afternoon has a different effect to the rest of the day.I've come to realise how the hands on the clock spin faster when one is asleep.
When a person claims that he likes to sleep and does in fact, spends most of his time sleeping, does that person will for time to past more quickly or simply needs more rest?
Most people associate sleep to recharging the body just like how charging a phone refills its energy to function. We sleep to get rid of our tiredness. So when a person claims that he spends most of his time sleeping, the person is revealing that he gets tired easily due to several factors such as a weak physical body or the fact that he has many things tiring him at the moment. This can be a sign of stress and inability to cope with the current situation that he's facing.
In another case, when a person enjoys sleeping for the fact that sleep takes away our consciousness of time, it can show signs of escapism and shirking of responsibility or otherwise, refusal of taking up responsibility. This can be due to a stressful environment coupled with the incapability of meeting expectations.
What about when a person claims that sleeping is his hobby during an introduction with people at first meetings? (This is something that happens quite often in my opinion)
Personally, I feel that it creates a negative first impression of laziness and having a dull life. Among the wide variety of hobbies that one can possibly choose from, if "sleep" is the first word that appears in that person's mind, he most probably does not give a damn to anything much apart from things that affect him directly. This can also reveal selfishness. But these are just my opinions based on certain experiences.
Sleep also gives the impression of isolation. A person who sleeps away his time is most likely to be quite anti-social considering the limited amount of time he choose to spend interacting with others. Careless comments such as "I'd rather be sleeping than ___" can mean more than they seem.
Yet at the same time, sleeping can be a form of vulnerability. When we close our eyes, step away from the world we live in and be engulfed by the darkness that entails, we throw ourselves into an abyss of mystery and the unknown. We have no idea what really happens and let our minds drift before waking up in what feels like a shorter period of time than the actual. The vulnerability we exchange in return for the peace and comfort that sleep guarantees is ironically reassured by the fact that after sleep comes the wake. Do I make any sense?
Somehow when I think of this, I think I understand a little more about why people choose eternal sleep. The overwhelming feelings of circumstances induces them to never want to wake after they bodies sleep. They think that when their bodies sleep, they would slip into the unconscious mode whereby they do not even know if they have or have not fallen asleep yet because that's what happens when we sleep. We have no idea when exactly we fall asleep. They are willing to risk going into that mode without knowing whether their sleep would be dreamless / nightmares / good dreams. Or perhaps all they care about is not waking.
I wonder if people who commit suicide actually regret after their eternal sleep?
_____
But anyways, I was just being curious and typing down some of the thoughts that ran through my mind. These are scientifically unsupported opinions of mine that I concluded from personal experiences. Or maybe they are just common sense.. Idk? Heh.
I'm feeling hungry after thinking so much...
Labels: Smilez and frowns everyday..
On Friday, July 18, 2014 at 11:28 AM
About me
Just a random, average short girl who believes that life is a disaster in disguise as a blessing... Worrying has become a habit but anime will always remain engraved in my mind. =] Currently addicted to spacing out... And... Sleep is prioritised as number 1! People know me as Winnie. And I have roamed the Earth for 15 years. It all began on 14th September 1995...
Affiliates
2BN
6C
FLUTE
Amelia
Boon See
Celine
Celeste
Cherie
Cheryl
Cheng Cheng
Crystal
Denise the LOUD one
Eanxiang
Estee
Gloria
Firzanah
Hui Cong
Jeanette
Jia Ai
Jia Xin
Jillian
Jing Wei
Jing Ye
Ka Wing
Keith
Lee Hwee
Tan Winnie
Xin Hui
Xue Qi
Vincent
Vivian
Yu Li
Yun Jin
Shout out
By title
Ambiguous relationships and fears
Wasabi, age and a bunch of thoughts.
Randomly wanting to share a part of what goes through my brain sometimes
By month
October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 September 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 April 2013 June 2013 July 2013 March 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 April 2015 July 2015 October 2015 February 2017