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Reminiscing those days...

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The post that never got to see the world

This is what happens when you neglect your blog and suddenly feel like blogging again.
So... I know that I haven't been blogging for a while but I didn't realise that it had gotten so damn long. I have to apologise for this extreme level of procrastination that I allowed to happen.
A few minutes ago, I reread my post from October 2015 and got some inspiration to blog.
Once I entered my blog space, I saw this draft that I entered a year ago (2016, hah!) and... I don't know where to start explaining/ updating.

At the beginning of 2016, I dated a friend (I probably shouldn't have). He made me believe in love again but not without consequences. Our relationship was quite under the rocks though he was a person who wasn't shy in public. Because of him, I became inspired to do the best with my life. I remember being very driven to become stronger for my sports team and it was a period of time when I did my physical training exercises regularly at home. He was someone whom I could confide in on all the shit and crap I faced on a daily basis. After our catch-up sessions, we ended up motivating each other consistently through the obstacles in life, and in turn, we grew closer and started dating. The post below was about him and somehow, I didn't manage to post it up then.

"A year ago I was telling you how I longed for the feeling of excitement, nervousness and butterflies in my stomach and a year later, I surprised myself by entering a new relationship (at least that's what I think I got myself into but my close guy friend tells me that it isn't set in stone until the guy asks the official question but I swear, it feels mutual to me). I feel like I've transformed back to the little girl that I once was, smiling to myself about how lucky I am whenever I looked at him, giggling about the unexpected things he did for me and falling uncontrollably for the daring and nonsensical way he acted. Every human craves to feel special in someone's eyes and that's how he made me feel virtually and in real life. It had been so long since someone bothered to come up with funky ideas and add little surprises in my life so these little surprises appeared so major and significant to me. Before I knew it, I started to depend on him for the little spurt of courage at the beginning of every new day and I'd look forward to reading the "Happy day, Winnie!" texts at midnight."

Yeah... Unfortunately (or fortunately), I ain't together with the him that I described up here.
I don't really know what went wrong and some people might say that I got dumped. (Yeah, pathetic little me... self -pity *rolls eyes*) He is a person who thinks a lot and way too deeply for his age and I feel that he realised something in our relationship that I didn't know about and he made the decision on his own to distant himself from me. He also had other commitments at that time and was spending way too much time with those commitments. I... tried my best to understand what he was doing and at the same time, tried to show that I supported his decisions but to be honest, I kinda felt neglected and hurt. Perhaps I wasn't honest about those feelings or maybe he couldn't accept a part of me. The me, some time after this unrevealed blog post, was, in fact, quite depressed and super confused. It felt like I was hanging onto a rope by the cliff. He periodically pulled the rope to get me up but suddenly, he left me dangling and told me that he'd return.

We drifted and from then on, the last few times we actually met up felt like a goodbye forever. Why do I say that? There was this look in his eyes that I remember not being able to read.
He faded away as mysteriously as how he entered my life.
Yes, I do feel upset about how insignificant I became, how he closed back up after I thought he was ready to open his feelings to me and for the simple fact that we can never be the same again.
I can't deny that I was deeply hurt, especially because I thought I found the kind of the love I was looking for and this setback reinforced the weak mentality I mentioned at the end of the post in October 2015. This led to me channelling a lot of my energy into my studies and friends afterwards.

The two of us were never in a relationship that we felt obliged to contribute regularly to (romantically or not) and it originated from a desire to encourage and motivate. Perhaps somewhere in between, we cared more than we originally should and got caught up in each other's life. But fate has spoken and we are just not meant to be. It was an experience that nobody would wish for but I learned a bunch of lessons from this.

Phew.
Thank you, fate because I think this time (for real) I found the one.
Sappy but yes. I'll explain in a separate post. That was a hell load of explaining and reflection.
Cheers!

Labels: Frowns and attempted smiles

On Friday, February 10, 2017 at 12:02 PM

Ambiguous relationships and fears

Everyone has a different method of keeping themselves in check to know if they are mentally, emotionally, physically or even spiritually well.
Since a long time back, I developed the habit of talking to myself as a form of reflective behaviour. This habit of mine is obviously only carried out when I'm alone because I need the quietness and privacy to think out loud.
Most of the time, I do it because I have too much on my mind and my head gets really crowded with thoughts. During those moments, it becomes really difficult to concentrate on the tasks I have on hand and even when I'm studying, the troubles on my mind invade my thinking space and my mind drifts off.
I wouldn't deny that I am a person with a considerably short attention span. Although I know that I have assignments to complete and chapters to study, I cannot help but fiddle with my phone repeatedly throughout the study session. Despite the fact that I stay at my study area for long hours, I probably wouldn't really complete much. For example, I can take up to 3 days with each day spending 3 hours in order to complete an essay assignment.
Originally, I would use my regular attendance at tchoukball practices as an excuse to procrastinate. But now that the major competition for my team's over, I've lost that excuse and somehow became more determined than ever to do well for my academics. But of course, the great determination has met with much struggles because I dislike studying so much.

While talking to myself recently, I realised a correction for one of the thoughts I had quite some time back and I felt that I wanted to write it out to have a better sense of clarity. So here I am, sharing with you more of what goes through in my mind.

On a particular day, I was reflecting on the topic of love. (Probably inspired by korean drama or PDA on the streets) Why do people think that love is complicated? Do I think that it is? After a while, I convinced myself that love is, actually, simple. I would decide to get together with another person for the simple fact that he likes me and I like him back. As long as the liking is mutual, there's no harm in starting a relationship and trying to make it work out.

However, recently, I feel that the point is valid but it isn't that simple after all because the degree of liking matters. If you only like the person a little bit a.k.a. interested in him/her, then you probably shouldn't be so hasty to get into a relationship. On the other hand, if you like the person so much that you're willing to accept every part of him/her and do everything in your ability to make him/her happy then, you can consider getting into one. But even so, the divide between the degrees of liking can be really subjective and ambiguous. How do we know if we really really really like a person? Are we just liking him/her because of companionship (ie just because the person happened to be around to show concern and care) ? Do we like the person for who he/she is (ie their personality, voice, body) ?

Questions like these are difficult to answer because when we like someone, we can't differentiate what kind of liking we have towards the person; we just like the person. Between close friends, we can sometimes easily confirm with ourselves who are the ones we would never get into a relationship with. But it's those ambiguous ones that we have problems with because we can imagine the possibility of being together with that person.

Personally, I feel quite worried because ever since my first relationship ended, I realised that I don't feel the same level of excitement, nervousness, butterflies anymore. Could it be that I became more protective of my feelings or was it simply because I haven't met the right person yet? Then I start to wonder if the problem wasn't with who I get together with but rather, in myself. Are my expectations too high? (influenced by drama and movies) What kind of relationship am I exactly looking for? When will I experience the fluttery feelings of being in love again?

I feel that I'm a person who wants to be affectionate with someone I really care about but I am really worried that my relationship will end up the same way like the ones that ended. This inner conflict makes me think that love is quite complicated after all. I wish I could erase my memories and start all over with love yet at the same time, I am who I am today because of my past experiences. People might like the way I am now but if any part of me changes, then people might not like the different me.

One thing that I know for sure is that life is too short to endure through anything that makes us sad for a long time.

For now, let's continue to do the things we enjoy and live life happily, without regrets!

Labels: Smilez and frowns everyday..

On Saturday, October 3, 2015 at 3:49 PM

Ambiguous 'it's

It keeps happening again and again.
I'm starting to think that I'm the cause of the same scenarios that replay even when the characters change.
There's must be something about me that triggers the cycle.

Perhaps I'm overly sensitive, awkward or irrational.
It's not them, it's just me... pathetic me.

Do I deserve all these?
Maybe it's the creator's way of telling me "no".
Time and time again, throwing me into a whirlpool of feelings.
Maybe that's why after it ended, I couldn't exactly feel the same level of happiness as I did before.
Is it my unconscious mind's way of protecting myself?
I'm still looking for that happiness...

I thought it would be simple but here I am, treating this as a complicated matter.
If I want to go the easy way, it isn't going to end pretty.
I don't want to destroy what I've worked so hard for this whole time.

Initially, I didn't give it much thought and I regretted.
Yet over time, after giving my best effort, I found myself sinking in deeper to an extent that's unimaginable and horribly embarrassing.
I thought I was heading in the right direction.
That's why I feel like I can't let go now.
But a part of me says that maybe it isn't the time yet.
That there's something missing and everything's not right.

Second chances aren't what they're called if you keep finding excuses, Winnie.
It shows how unwilling you are to bottle back up.
Dragging it might cause more pain in the future but I know you don't want to risk missing the opportunity of everything turning out fine afterwards.
Is that what you are waiting for?
Desperate for the calm after the storm.
But will it come?

I wish I can say for sure that I'm lying to myself but who am I to judge the truth from the lies when I can't even make sense of my own heart.

Labels: frowns everyday...

On Saturday, July 4, 2015 at 11:33 PM

A new drama at a wrong timing

The girl who can see smells.

This is the title of the new Korean drama that I had randomly decided to watch during lunch today. I know it's really close to Finals examinations and I shouldn't be doing this but watching drama during study breaks acts as a form of incentive for me. I feel motivated to study after relieving my brain from all the information overload.

Before I begin, you need to know that I had originally found the title really absurd and for me to start watching this drama from start to end is really unexpected.

The first episode begins with me realising that the lead actress is none other than Shin Sekyung whom I didnt get a good impression of in a previous drama I watched. Her character in this drama is very different from the one that I watched her act as prior to this. The drama is really dramatic but in an intriguing manner. An oversight by the murderer leads to the murder of the innocent sister of the male lead. WOAH, what?

The male lead bears hatred to the murderer who killed his sister and he becomes a policeman, works hard in hope of being promoted into the homicide group.

The male lead encounters the female lead while he was trying to nab a robber.

Interestingly, the female lead sees smell and the male lead can't feel pain!

Such a comical start to the drama and we see shin sekyung's bubbly acting :O

Looking forward to episode 2!

Labels: Smilez everyday...

On Monday, April 13, 2015 at 3:43 PM

Updating + tying up the loose ends!

I'm probably one of the most irresponsible bloggers you've ever met.. Yes, I forgot to post about the last episode of Coffee Prince.

Yes, I haven't updated since... Erm... I'm not too sure and I can't check cause I'm typing this on my phone now... (Yet another evidence to prove my irresponsible image)

I had to rush out of my house earlier on because stupid me left packing to the last half an hour.. Well, I didn't realise there were so many things to pack!!

I was also trying to print notes and you know, the best part goes to the empty staplers that I own. I had to pack my newly printed notes, training stuff, clothes for a sleepover and artsy deco stuff. Gosh. Why the hell did I think that I could manage all these within 30minutes?!

Best part #02: I left my house without a sleeping bag so... Cold hard floor tonight? Hahaha!

Alright, let's skip all the in between banter.

I've been wanting to blog for quite a long time already and I just kept forgetting to. There are a bunch of things that happened recently and Some things I can't wait to let y'all know as well!

Okay, so in case you people have really been following my commentary on CP, I should properly end it now.

My overall comments for CP:

Coffee Prince is really one of the Korean dramas you people should watch! :)

I like how it was directed and the show was able to easily manipulate my feelings! This was well accompanied by the sincere and genuine acting effort put in my the actors and actresses!

There are numerous dramas where the first episode is full of bs and bore people to death but I assure you that CP is interesting from the first to the last episode!

Alright and immediately after that drama, I wanted to watch another production by the same actress but unfortunately, the next show I watched wasn't able to grab my attention as well as CP did so I shall not mention it.

I decided to explore abit of J-drama so I watched Hana Kimi (J version) and instantly fell in love with the acting by ikuta who acted as nakatsu shuichi in the show! I've finished that drama as well and now I'm following up with another drama ikuta acted in - honey and clover (J-drama)! Hehe :)

_____

Alright, there's another thing that I want to tell y'all but I really want to dedicate an entire post for this piece of news so I'll tell y'all in the next post which I hope won't take too long...

_____

Just so you know, I am writing this blog post on the mrt while I'm on the way to school cause I forgot to bring my book to read on the train... :O

Yeap, so I'll blog again soon!

I apologise for the wait hahaha!

Seeyall soon!

Labels: Smilez everyday...

On Wednesday, January 28, 2015 at 1:05 PM

One down, one to go

CP Episode #11 and #12

We recall that at the end of episode 10, han kyul had decided (after much much much difficulties) to accept eun chan as his male lover. Eun chan had also decided to reveal the truth about her gender to han kyul but somehow, she couldn't find the right timing and ha rim had taken matters into his own hands by revealing it to han kyul before she did.

Han kyul's explosive anger and shock at eun chan's betrayal of trust leaves eun chan scared and apologetic but she refuses to give up because she trusts that han kyul will forgive her.

On the other side, han seong claims that he has already gotten rid of the feelings he had for eun chan and he begs for yoo ju to stay with him. Yoo ju is hesitant and feels betrayed for the fact that she no longer holds reigns over the number one place in his heart.
When I first heard her argument with han kyul in her apartment, I thought it sounded selfish and ridiculous but if you look at the bigger picture, they were together for 10 long years and for the long peaceful equilibrium to be wavered suddenly and the impossible to actually occur, her fear is justifiable.

Han seong, eun chan, yoo ju and all the coffee prince cafe employees try to talk sense into han kyul hoping that they could forgive eun chan.

At the end of episode 12, we see that han kyul has decided to forgive eun chan after much thought and reason. He feels that he is unable to live without her.
It was quite funny when han kyul nearly pulled eun chan into the guys toilet at the park haha.

All seems well for han kyul and eun chan but han seong is devastated that yoo ju left despite him begging her to stay. Later, he finds out that she did not fly to America with DK but he cannot find her at their usual places. This is also the time when he realised that he didn't know her that well afterall because even though they've been together for 10 years, he has no idea where her mother lives and the contact numbers of all her close friends. Han kyul tries to console him as well.

Okay, time for episode #13~~~

I really like watching coffee being brewed!

Labels: Smilez everyday...

On Friday, January 2, 2015 at 10:42 AM

When will he find out the truth?

CP Episode 10

In this episode, we see Han kyul unable to cope with the fact that he is in love with eun chan whom he believes is a male. He says things that hurt eun chan which in turn, hurts him.
On the other hand, han seong realises that he is undeniably in love with eun chan as well. Yoo ju doesn't react as dramatically as I thought she would but she offers han seong options. Yoo ju is willing to put down her work for han seong but she knows han seong is already in love with eun chan and she feels that she would end up choosing work over love again.
I find it heartbreaking to watch how han seong knows that han kyul and eun chan loves each other but he is unable to confess to eun chan about his own feelings. He seems to have decided to just watch over eun chan and contain his feelings for her.
Eun chan is devastated because she loves han kyul but she is unable to reveal to him her identity. She used to believe that she could just reveal the truth to him later on but now, it has become quite impossible because she is fearful that han kyul would be very upset at her and she would lose the precious relationship they have. Both of them are evidently in great pain being unable to love each other.
On a side note, now all of the coffee prince employees know that eun chan is a girl and she is in love with han kyul. However, in the coffee prince cafe, only han kyul doesn't know that truth yet.
The episode ends with han kyul being unable to throw away the thoughts of affection he has for eun chan and kissing her regardless of the consequences he has to face. He has decided to accept this love between them which he has categorised as love between two males.

I miss watching eun chan do silly things and being adorable because in the recent episodes, she has been suffering the tortures of love and matured so much....

Labels: Smilez everyday...

On Thursday, January 1, 2015 at 10:30 PM

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